Aren't I Supposed to be Stronger? (2 Corinthians 12)

It has been way too long since I have posted a blog! I am actually pretty sad about this.
Looking back on some of the past posts I have done for this blog I have realized how much I have missed writing about the gospel, the Savior and our Heavenly Father. However, it's easy to feel that I don't have anything important worth sharing to those around me. So, here is a disclaimer: What I write may not help you, it may not interest you, and it may be something you don't even look at twice. That is totally fine by me. However, I am realizing that by sharing my testimony in words I feel just a little bit closer to my Heavenly Father... And that is why I am ok with the fact that my writings may not benefit anybody but myself.
That being said- I still hope that someone can find some sort of comfort from reading this!

So, in complete and honest truth, the last couple months have been, hands down, the hardest months I have ever had in my life. As I started off the fall semester at BYU I felt as if I was going to be a conquer in my life. I had picked a major, was supported by my amazing boyfriend, was surrounded by a wonderful group of friends and was just enjoying life.
However, as the semester progressed I began to see that I was really struggling emotionally and mentally. I didn't really understand what was happening to me. I just felt like everything was going wrong and that I was loosing it. At first I ignored the fact that there may be a purpose for my trials. Instead, I blamed little random things for my sufferings. I "obviously" wasn't praying hard enough. I wasn't reading my scriptures thoroughly enough. I just needed to be more Christlike and then everything would get better.

But guess what? That didn't happen.

I found myself attempting to pray away my negative feelings and emotions. However, I saw that, for some reason or another, I continued to feel down hearted, anxious and incapable of handling basic every day life activities. As the days continued forward I started to feel extremely low. As I dealt with all these feelings I witnessed how my friends, my family, my boyfriend and my church leaders were all trying to help me out. While this should've made me feel loved and supported most of the time it just brought guilt and feelings of weakness. The most common thought that I had to myself was this: I should be stronger than this.

I kept telling myself that I should be strong enough to handle this. My entire life I have always felt like "the strong one". The girl in church who was always solid. The independent girl who handled hard things all through high school. In my head I have always seen myself as a woman who could "handle it" on her own. So to have a trial that I felt was crushing and that felt nearly unbearable brought a complex wave of emotions and thoughts.
Being arrogant enough to believe that I should be strong enough to "deal" with these trials on my own I started to have thoughts and feelings come to me. I thought to myself that I shouldn't be needing to pray so much for strength because I should be strong enough to handle it on my own.
These thoughts traveled to a point where I started to think that, perhaps, God and the Savior had forgotten about me. That they had so many other things to do that they were possibly too busy to attend to my needs and cares. However, this is something that I strived to reject from my thought process.... I wanted to trust that there was indeed a God that was listening to me and that loved me regardless of my weaknesses. And yet, I wasn't sure why God would be giving me these afflictions. Why was He not helping me be stronger? Why couldn't He just take away what I was dealing with?

This was something that was really weighing me down and so one day I decided to do some scripture study in the morning. As I read I started looking at some cross references and started to search amongst the chapters of the New Testament. My search led me to 2 Corinthians chapter 12. As I read this chapter I suddenly was stopped at verses 9-10.

"12:9- And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

"12:10- Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."

 Let me just say this: Truly, the scriptures are the word of God. I truly believe these verses were ones I was led to. I needed them more than ever at this time and am so grateful for the word of God.
Anyways, as I read these verses I felt slightly confused. I read and re-read the lines regarding the strength that comes in weakness. That blew my mind because it went against everything I seemed to believe. But then it hit me... The Savior of the world, Jesus Christ, has suffered everything that we have endured. He knows all the pains that come with every sickness, trial, sin and every affliction. He has understands our exact circumstances because He suffered, bled and died for each of us...He truly has walked our path of life with us.

The reason that we are here on this earth is to learn, grow and experience all the joys and sorrows this life has to bring. Why are sorrows part of our Heavenly Fathers great plan of happiness for us??Because, they help us draw nearer to the Lord and then become more like Him. Jesus Christ knows our pains perfectly. He has the ability to lift us up, comfort us and strengthen us in our time of need. When we feel weak, incapable, inadequate or like we are drowning under our wave of trials there is hope in the fact that in our weakness, if we reach out or call out to Christ, He will reach back and make us strong enough to face any of the storms we have in this life.

Heavenly Father has not left us without the strength we need in this life. We do not have to travel this life alone...in fact, we can't travel alone. Our strength alone is not sufficient. But our loving Father provided the Savior of the world as a sacrifice for all men, women and children so that they would never have to be alone. So in their moments of weakness they could be supported and strengthened through the one who understands your situations and feelings with 100% accuracy.

It isn't easy. I am still learning. Sometimes I don't know how to rely on the Savior and allow Him to be my strength through my weakness. But the cool thing is that He is patient. He is not going to give up on me. And He never will. Even when I make mistake after mistake and do things according to my will, and not His, He will still love me and be there to support me through my journey.
I know that He does that for each and everyone of us.

I know that if you call out, cry out or reach out that He will do the same towards you. He will strengthen us in our weaknesses if we allow Him to do so.

He has not set us up to fail.

Girls Camp and Grips

Activities that have not been practiced in a long time are often compared to the phrase “it’s like riding a bicycle- you never forget”. Unfortunately, this is not the case with blogging. Writing out my feelings and insights seems to come a lot slower and rougher than it once did.

 Once upon a time I loved blogging. I loved blogging about the Savior, His love, Heavenly Fathers hand in my life and other aspects of gospel doctrines. However- life is crazy and, unfortunately, I have let the excuse “I’m too busy” get in the way blogging- a way that has allowed me to ponder the gospel more fully and share my testimony of the Savior. It’s hard to write something personal then post it in the open; it leaves you feeling very vulnerable and sometimes unsure. However, I am hoping that I can again get in the habit of writing down my personal feelings about Christ and our Heavenly Father- I have missed it, in all honesty.

Pretty recently I decided to start reading the Book of Mormon from the beginning. It’s been a slower process than usual but it has really helped me start to ponder my life and the experiences I have had. This week I had a chance to read in 1 Nephi about Lehi and his vision of the tree of life (found in chapter 8). As I read in the chapter I found myself re-reading the things I had grown up hearing about: The iron rod, the tree of life and its fruit that’s purpose was to make one happy, the mist of darkness that distracted people from their goals and other symbols that represent our world today and the plan that Heavenly Father has laid out for us in order to return home to him. As I was reading one verse in particular I saw a verse that caught my eye; 1 Nephi 8:30. Verses prior to this one explain how people would “cling onto the rod then fall away into darkness” or how they would simply “hold onto the rod” and then fall away as well.  However, verse 30 says said something that really stuck out to me: 

“But, to be short in writing, behold, [ Lehi] saw other multitudes pressing forward; and they came and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press their way forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron, until they came forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree.”

As I read this verse the three words “continually holding fast” stood out to me. What did that even mean to hold “fast”? As I started to try and figure out what it meant I had only what I can describe as a “flash back”. As I pondered what the term “continually holding fast” meant I remembered a year of girl’s camp that I had over 6 years ago.

When I was 14 years old I had a chance to go to another year of girl’s camp. We went up to some kind of cabin (I know….we really “roughed it”) and we spent the week doing activities, spending time with each other and studying the gospel more fully.  I honestly can’t tell you much about that week- it’s been over six years and I can’t remember much. However, there is one thing that I think I will always remember about that week; an object lesson. On one of the last days of our trip our young women leaders took us out into the woods behind the cabin to talk with us. Each of these women were examples and friends in my life however, there was one woman who was, in my eyes, held with the most respect and love; my own Mother. She was in the young women presidency at the time and had worked extremely hard to make sure we had a good experience at camp. She and her counselors brought us out into the woods and talked to us about our quest for eternal life.  They discussed with us how our journey on this earth is not an easy one and, much like Lehi’s tree of life vision, there are mists of darkness that can place fears, doubts and temptations into our lives. When those mists of darkness come into our life we must hold onto the iron rod, stay on the path to our Heavenly Father and remain courageous. With this being said, our leaders said they wanted to do an activity with us. They led us to a different part of the woods to a thin rope tied to a tree that extended towards a certain direction. They explained that this rope was going to be our “rod of iron” during this experience and that each of us were to be blind folded. We were instructed to follow this rope- and that if we made it to the end if we we would be led to a surprise. However, we were warned that under no circumstances were we to let go of this rope. No matter who or what tried to get us to leave we were to only hang on tight and follow the rope. As a group of teenage girls you think anything like this sounds fun so we all willingly put on blindfolds and grabbed the rope. As I started to walk blindly over rocks and branches I thought “yeah, this is going to be a piece of cake- no worries”. I heard girls that would giggle when they tripped over rocks and I heard hushed exchanges of whispers between friends. All seemed to be going perfect…until almost out of nowhere I felt someone grab me and say “this way”. Almost as reflex I felt my hands release as I allowed myself to be led away.

 I cannot really explain in words all that happened in this moment- It happened so fast. One minute I was walking all fine the next I had someone quickly, almost sneakily, taking me off the rope. The speed of this persons approach caused me, who thought with confidence that I was going to easily walk my way to the surprise at the end of the rope, to let go and be led a ways off. Almost as quickly as the person came and took me off the rope they left me alone with no way of seeing and no way of direction. I remember that suddenly I had this realization that I had made a mistake and had not listened to the leader’s words of warning. I kind of laughed at myself when I realized what had happened but then stopped when I realized that I didn’t really know what to do next. So, I kind of just stood there; alone with no direction. After a few moments I realized that I couldn’t really get back to the path on my own and I verbally said aloud “I messed up” (as if that wasn’t obvious). 

All of a sudden I heard a voice that I recognized all too well- My Moms. She kind of was half laughing as she asked “did you let go?” I kind of nodded helplessly… Not really sure what to do. But, my mom gently asked me this: “Would you like to get back on?” She received a quiet “yes” from me.

 Thankfully, my Mom led me back to the rope that was, surprisingly, not all that far away.  This time I was determined not to let go under any circumstances. I clung onto this rope as if my life depended on it. I knew my previous mistake and the consequences that followed. Several times after I was put back on the rope people came to take me off. Again, someone came quickly and tried to physically remove me from the path but I wouldn’t allow it. Staying on the rope got even harder when a familiar voice of a leader kept telling me to let go; to come with her to somewhere better than the surprise at the end. Although tempting, I thankfully kept on. I did not want to make that mistake again. Eventually we all made it to the end where our leaders had put some kind of nice surprise for us; something that I have since then forgotten. However, this is what I haven’t forgotten: This experience is something that is very real in our own lives. I had full intentions of staying on that rope in order to make it to the end where the surprise was. However, my grip on the rope was something that wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t continually holding fast to the rope.

 After pondering what the words “continually holding fast” mean I asked one of my friends her opinion of the definition. She told me that holding fast doesn’t mean, necessarily, holding quickly. Instead, she thinks of the word “fast” as in “fasten”. She explained that if we are continually holding fast to something that means we are fastened to it; we are holding tight and no matter what happens we will not let go or loosen our grip on that thing.

This is how we should be in life. We must be fastened to the gospel; we can’t just grip it with limited dedication and conviction. The gospel, the words of the prophets and the Savior are there the lead us, guide us and assist us in finding our way home to our Heavenly Father who has blessings for us that we are not even aware of (“surprises”, if you will). We can’t just think with confidence that we are strong enough to withstand the temptations of this world. The adversary knows us. He knows what we struggle with and he knows how to get us off the path. Sometimes he comes in quickly; before we even have time to see him coming. And sometimes he sneaks to our side and whispers things in our ear that would tempt us to let go of the rod for just a second. If we are not holding fast, if we are not fastened to the rod of iron with all of our might mind and strength, then we will not stand a chance. We will find ourselves out in midst of darkness, sin and confusion before we know what hit us. It’s a scary thought to think of- Satan having that much power. However, it is so encouraging to know that Heavenly Father believes in us and has given us the ability and tools to return home to Him where he is waiting to bless us with all the “surprises” He has to offer us at the end of our iron rod at the end of our journey. 

I know that Heavenly Father is rooting for us. He wants us to follow that narrow pathway all the way home. He knows that it is hard and that it’s not going to get easier. However, He knows that we have the capability to return to Him. And I am so grateful for the fact that He is on my team…. There is no one that I would rather have on my side than He that knows me the best, loves me the most and has the most faith in my ability to return home to Him.

Silent Night... I Stand All Amazed

Christmas is one of my absolute favorite holidays. It's a time where I get to visit family, make neighbor gifts, spend time going to light shows, listen to christmas music and watch Christmas movies.  Unfortunately, I feel these things really distract me. Even as an adult college student I feel sometimes I neglect and forget what the real meaning of Christmas is. I allow myself to get so distracted with the lights and the movies that I ignore the real reason I am celebrating this holiday. Honestly, I do not think I am alone in this struggle. Sometimes we all get distracted by the glamour of the holiday and we find ourselves ignoring the most important aspect of Christmas; Christ.

A few weeks ago a group of friends from my apartment complex decided to take a trip up to see the beautiful lights at temple square. As we entered the temple square we started to marvel at the temple, the reflection pool, and all the other beautiful light displays. As we viewed this display many of us started to pull out our phones. We started taking group photos and selfies of ourselves. We started to Instagram about our outing and update our snapchats with images of our friends in the lights. In the middle of taking these photos I heard one of my friends teasing us. She said "guys! You're all taking photos of the lights and taking selfies. It's not about that, it's about this!" As I heard her say this I looked up to see her pointing at something. I followed her pointed finger and found her pointing to the reflection pool that was hosting statues of Mary, Jospeh and the baby Jesus.
Now, do I think that it was a sin for us to be taking lots of photos of ourselves and the lights? No. And my friend didn't really think so either. But her words really stuck out to me. As i put my phone back in my pocket and started to really take a moment to survey the scene I focused on the nativity scene in the reflection pool. The scene was in the center of the busy temply square. There were tons of colorful lights surrounding the square and masses of chaotic groups of people. But in the midst of all this was the simple, beautiful nativity scene. As I looked at this I really started to realize how often I forget that, "this", the birth of Christ, is truly what it is about. The season is surrounded with so many good things but at the center of all this is the Savior and His birth and we get distracted from this sometimes.

With this experience reminding me of the importance of keeping Christ at the center of Christmas I started to try and focus more on Him during the season (which, turns out, can be hard). One way I tried to do this was by reading His story more. As I read in the New Testament about the birth of Christ I started to see that Christ's birth really is much more than a marvelous story of a virgin mother giving birth in a lowly stable to a Savior. One part especially stuck out to me this season as I read the story of Christ.
 After the birth of Jesus the wise men, sent by Herod the King to find Jesus, find Him as a young child in Bethlehem. Upon finding Jesus these wise men "fell down, and worshiped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense, and myrrh" (Matt 2: 11). As I pondered this I started to have some random questions and thoughts. These wise men brought Jesus many wonderful gifts fit for royalty. But did these men know that Jesus Christ would one day give us all a gift that was more precious than all the gold, frankincense and myrrh in the world?  A gift that He would willingly pay for  with His own precious blood and life? This young child born of an earthly mother and a Heavenly Father was born on earth so that one day He may atone for the sins and sufferings of all mankind.

This season my younger sister Rachel  reminded me of this many times as she discussed the importance of the birth of Christ and its role in the atonement. She talked to me about how the birth of Christ was the first steps in Christ's mission here on the earth. This man born under the most humble of circumstances would grow up as a normal child and developed into a man who would walk the earth as a healer, teacher, prophet and friend. He would  raise the dead, feed the thousands, heal the deaf, dumb and lame. He would eat with the sinners, forgive the adulterers, teach all those that would hear Him and He would love all those who were on the earth and all those who would ever be; regardless of whether or not they would hear and obey His word. And because He had (and still has) such a love for us He was willing to come to earth to suffer, bleed and die for us. He truly suffered all of our pains and afflictions in the garden of Gethsemane and because He did this He understands our pains, trials and feelings. By doing this He understands us individually like no one else on this earth will ever be able to.
After suffering such pains He would allow Himself to be humiliated, harmed and, finally, crucified on the cross. And because He did this we are now able to have the chance to be resurrected and return to live back in Heaven with our Heavenly Father.
Had Heavenly Father not had this grand plan that required a the Savior to be born we would not have been able to obtain those things which the Savior suffered for us. The season of Christmas truly is a time to celebrate the birth of Christ; one of the first steps of the amazing gift Heavenly Father gave to us through the willing Savior in order to bless all of man kind.

I am so grateful for this Christmas season and for all that it represents.I know December is almost over and that Christmas has pretty much come and gone this year but I would just like to add my testimony and witness of Jesus Christ, the Savior. I am so grateful for Him. I know that He came to earth to live as the best example for mankind only to be crucified and resurrected for us all. He is truly the Messiah and the Prince of peace. I know that I can never repay Him for all that He has done for me but I can try my best to do so while on this earth by living a life patterned after His own loving example; not only during Christmas but every day. I know that He lives and He loves each one of us. I also know that Heavenly Father loves us and looks after each of us even when we feel He has forgotten us. I am grateful for His plan of happiness that, with the help of Christ, will allow us to repent every day and the ability to develop and grow so that we can reach our full potential.

Merry Christmas everyone.

This Is Where I Stand

So, a few days ago my day started off like normal. I woke up at 6am to get ready for another day at BYU. Before I started my normal morning routine I decided to check my facebook news feed. As I scrolled amongst the cat videos and photos of friends something totally caught me off guard. Through all the day-to-day posts of Facebook I saw an announcement made from the LDS facebook page that stated the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints had a new addition to the church handbook. This addition was a new policy restricting children of same-sex couples from baby blessings and baptism until they are 18.

Bam. Immediately after reading this I felt a complex wave of emotion flow over me. I experienced mixed emotions of frustration, confusion and anger! I didn't understand why this new addition was necessary. As I continued to scroll through my news feed my feelings seemed to darken as I saw many people posting negative statements as a response to this new rule. Many were calling out the church, shaming the apostles and bringing up multiple points that I had not even thought of. As I continued to look at the news I felt overwhelmed with sadness and confusion. I felt confusion turn into anger and I just felt very upset. However, as I thought about all these things that I had read and heard I realized that I was doing something that wasn't beneficial. I was focusing on the media to help me understand this new change. Instead, I should've been asking those who I trusted the most to help me understand this change. With this in mind I was able to talk to my mom, my uncle, my dad and, most importantly, Heavenly Father while on my knees. As I discussed this new event with my loved ones I learned so much. However, one of the biggest things that stuck out to me was something my uncle said to me.

My uncle had been chatting early with my mom and she had expressed to him how I had been struggling with this whole issue. Even though he is extremely busy with work, six kids and his own life he took time out of his day to give me a call to chat with me. He asked me how I was feeling, what my concerns were and what I thought. As I expressed to him my personal feelings on the event my uncle told me something that really made me think (forgive me as I paraphrase his important pointers). My uncle explained to me that people were being very quick to anger about this but we were all forgetting something: The prophets and apostles speak for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. When they give us commandments or rules they are from inspired directions from those Holy beings who love us and want what is best. As my uncle explained this he told me "So what people have to decide is this: do they stand by the prophets? Because if they are standing by and backing up the prophets they are standing by and backing up Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. If you do not stand by the prophet where do you stand?"

Our Father in Heaven is all knowing. He is in charge, this is His church and He knows what He is doing. As members we have been taught "[To]believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and [to] believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God" (article of faith nine). He does this through His prophets. The prophets receive inspiration and revelation through Him and they act according to His will, not their own. We may not always understand the inspiration and commandments the Lord gives. However, we are not expected to. Instead, we are asked to go forth with faith. We are free to ask questions about things we don't understand but we must do so with an open heart and mind-willing to listen to the Lord.

I am not going to tell everyone what I think about this new addition to the handbook. I am not going to try and convince everyone what they should think about the addition, why it's right, why it may be wrong or anything else. I don't want to get into an argument with others about whether this change is too harsh, unkind or old fashioned. A personal opinion and belief on this change is something that everyone needs to seek answer to for themselves. However, in the words of my kind wise father, "I will say that when you look for answers...look and feel for the spirit in the right places. Not Facebook, the internet [or] blogs..."

After pondering with the help of sources that did not come from social media I have made my choice. I want everyone to know where I stand.
I stand by the prophet.
Even though I may not always understand things that happen I have decided that I will stand by the prophets and apostles of this church. I will support them and have faith in their inspired choices. By standing by these men of God I have chosen to stand by and support my Heavenly Father. Because His prophets are chosen by Him to recieve revelation for these times.
 I trust Heavenly Father and I will stand by Him.

Humility and Hamstrings

Almost four months ago my family was able to go vacation in Mexico with our family friends the Broadbents. While at dinner one night our friend Jarin told our family how he was planning on doing the Nebo marathon in September. When we returned home from our vacation I was surprised when my Dad suggested that we run the Nebo marathon as well (my dad will claim that this isn't really what happened and that I was the one who suggested this.... that's not true). So for the last four months I have been training with my dad to get ready to run 26.2 miles. As I ran mile after mile, sacrificing time, unhealthy food, and early hours of sleep I felt like I was making many parallels between the gospel and running. As the marathon drew nearer, I'll confess, I had already started to think of blogging about the race and how it related to the gospel. However, plans of blogging, or even running the race, took a drastic change in direction two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, after my last long run in preparation for the race, I woke up and noticed that the back of my right leg was unnaturally sore. At first I thought that it was just a sore muscle and it would be fine. However, as the week progressed and after talking with a couple knowledgeable people I came to the conclusion that my ham string was pulled. This is not something that you want to hear when you are two weeks away from a marathon! I asked my parents for advice and we came to the conclusion that all I could do was take it easy, take medicine, stretch, and take care of it. However, my dad did tell me that I needed to know that hamstring muscles take the longest time to heal. Regardless of this information I set off to heal my leg as quickly as possible (ha, as if I really have to power to heal my muscles on my own). Aside from worldly healing I decided that I needed some help from Heavenly Father. I swear, I prayed almost every hour (or whenever I felt pain in my leg), I read my scriptures, I spent a lot of time on my knees praying and I even fasted.
As this week approached (the week of the race) I started to feel panic and stress set into my heart. I had attempted to run after a week of rest, prayer and fasting. However, as I started my run I knew almost after a mile that my leg was not healed. And for the rest of the week this troubled me. I started to feel doubt sinking into my heart and mind. I felt very discouraged and very angry. However, the biggest thing that seemed to trouble me was, unfortunately, my lack of faith and my frustration with my Heavenly Father.

Before I continue to explain this, I need to explain something. I consider my testimony in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to be pretty strong. I always have seen myself as "that girl" that whenever one of my friends was struggling never shied away from giving an answer like "have faith" or "trust Heavenly Father, He loves you". However, as I found myself in my situation I found myself struggling with my own faith. I kept having thoughts like "I have done all I can, why am I not getting results?" or "I have prayed so much and given up so much, why won't Heavenly Father help me"? As I had these negative thoughts come through my head I felt not only physically stressed but spiritually. In my head, I couldn't believe that I didn't have rock-solid faith in this situation.

The day before the race finally arrived, as did my family. As I spent time with my parents they, lovingly, told me that I may not be able to run this race. As we talked about this I finally decided that I was going to try my best and if needed I would quit. 
The day of the race came and at about 7:00am my Dad and I started our race. At first  I felt fine! I was so excited with the thoughts that I may even finish. However, as we ran I realized how much I was slowing down my dad. And as we came to mile seven my leg started to throb. By the end of mile nine I realized that I was not going to finish and, with a very disappointed heart, I told my dad I could not run any further. All though this may sound dramatic, I am not kidding when I say that this seemed to break my heart.  I had worked for so long and I had worked so hard for this... I was ready to run this race!  However, as I was placed in a car and drove down to the finish line to meet my family, I was able to ponder this situation a little more.

The first thing that I started pondering was the fact that earlier in the week I had been so stressed out by my struggling faith in the situation. I had talked to my roommate about my feelings and she gently told me that this may not be a struggle but may be a time for my faith to grow stronger. As i thought about this I was able to talk to my mom about it. I told her how I had been preparing and how I had done all I could in asking the Lord for help. My mom listened to my thought process but I loved what she said. She asked me this "Well then, do you believe that He can help you? You've done all you can, now you have to trust Him [and accept His will]"
This situation has humbled me greatly. It has shown me that no matter how strong we think we are we cannot escape adversity. The Lord gives us trials not as stumbling blocks but as ways for us to learn. There will be many times in our lives that we feel our faith being stretched and tested. This does not mean that we are weak or that we are unfaithful. This merely means that we are being put into a situation that will allow us to grow and develop. In fact, in Ether 12: 27 we are told "...If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble...for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

Although I did not finish this marathon I have learned so much. I have been brought closer to my Heavenly Father through this test of faith. I have learned much about His loving ways and I have also learned much about my self and what things I need to work on in my life. I know that while our Heavenly Father may not always answer our prayers in the way that we want Him to He will always listen to us and answer our prayers in His way (which will always bless us more).

Through this experience I was also able to recognize how on this earth we are not alone. I had so many friends and family who were supporting me with advice, assistance, prayers and much more. Heavenly Father has truly placed us in a position to have many loving family members and friends. I know that I am not alone in this life as a strive to return back to Heavenly Father. My dad was the biggest example of this to me as he stood (or ran) by my side, not only through training, but, as I ran the first few miles of the Marathon. He helped me best I could and when I had to quit he still insisted in me running the last lap of the race with him towards the finish line when he reached the bottom. And I will tell you this, the love and pride I felt for my dad as I watched Him come into the last stretch, as well as when I was able to cross the finish line with him is almost too great to explain. Interestingly enough, when we crossed the finish line, due to the tacking chip in my race bib still clipped to my running shorts, I was considered a "finisher" and was handed a medal. While I felt like I did not deserve this, at my moms suggestion, I decided to keep this medal as a reminder of all that my Heavenly Father taught me through this humbling trial. While this experience was a trial in my life I know that our Heavenly Father gives us adversity so that we can learn and grow closer to Him. And for that, I am grateful that I was not able to finish this race in the exact way that I wanted to.

Our trust in His love

Summer has flown by all too quickly. It seemed like just yesterday I was saying good bye to Provo and BYU so I could go home to Montana for the summer. Now, a short four months later, I find myself back in Provo about to start my sophomore year of school. I should be excited, right? I have always been "one of those people" who gets extremely excited to attend every year of school. I have always loved laying out my first-day-of-school outfit, buying school supplies and preparing for a year of learning. In fact, last year (my first year at BYU) I could hardly wait to start the school year. I was excited to attend my classes, be out on my own, meet new people and be a college kid. And I had an amazing year with no regrets. So, like mentioned above, I should be excited....right?
Unfortunately, this is not the word I would use to describe my feelings for this coming school year. In fact, the last month has been, sadly, an inward battle with anxiety and stress for the upcoming year.
Now, I don't want to come across as complaining... I know I am extremely lucky to be attending a great university such as BYU. However, college life is not easy. It is amazing at times with so many great activities. However, it is not easy. And I realized as I looked at my schedule and plans for this year that sophomore year of BYU was going to be a bit more challenging than my freshman year (shocking. I know right). With stress-ridden anticipation of challenging classes,  stress about financial stability and worries about finding a balance in life I have found myself, for the first time in my life, not looking forward to school.

As the last month has gone on I have continued to carry these nagging worries in my heart. And each time a week passed, bringing the school year closer, I seemed to stress just a little bit more about college life. And then bam. It finally hit me that I had school within the next day or so. This, surprisingly, hit me hard. I seemed to begin to feel very alone and upset. However, I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that placed events in my last week of summer that allowed me to find peace.

You see, yesterday I attended one of the most amazing funerals. While I did not know this family or their lost loved one very well I went with a group of friends to support the family who was dealing with this loss. The funeral was full of a peaceful and happy atmosphere that it seemed to drive peace into my own life. However, the part that really got to me was a musical number (testifying to me, once again, that hymns do have the power to bring the peace, comfort and the spirit into our lives).
The congragation was asked to turn to hymn number 270- "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go". I have heard this hymn countless times and never thought much of it. However, I am grateful for the third verse that truley jumped out to me and has blessed my troubled heart this day. Part of the third verse reads this:
"So trusting my all to thy tender care, And knowing thou lovest me, I'll do thy will with a heart sincere: I'll be what you want me to be". 

As I listened to this verse I truly felt the comfort of the spirit and as I have pondered this verse I have realized why:
Our Heavenly Father loves us. He truly loves us more than we will ever know or comprehend. And because He loves us He will watch over us. Does this mean that "bad things" in our lives will cease? Does this mean that the Lord will prevent us from experiencing trials? No and no. In fact, Heavenly Father allows trials to happen in our lives so that we may grow stronger. He will never place a burden upon our backs that is more than we can handle.But in order to understand this we must be willing to put our trust in Him.
I know the Heavenly Father loves me, I am one of His daughters. Then how is it possible that I allowed myself to forget that if I place myself in His hands, trusting that He loves me enough to help me and allow things to happen in my life for my good, that everything will be ok? As I listened to this verse I realized that if I truly place 100% of my trust into He who loves me dearly, with a sincere heart, He will bless me and help me. I made the choice long ago that I would "be what [He] wants me to be"; that I would follow His words and keep His commandments. So how is it that I have forgotten to trust Him and His plan for me?

My heart is so full of gratitude for this hymn, for the gospel, for my savior Jesus Christ and, especially, for my Heavenly Father. I am grateful for the peace that has come from this gospel. And I am grateful that through the Holy Ghost as well as the precious hymns I was able to find peace in preparing for school this year. I know that trials will come and I know that this life is not meant to be easy. But I also know that Heavenly Father is loving and will always be there for me if I will trust Him, humble myself, kneel and ask sincerely for His help.

Keep Your Eye On The Tree

As a young 18 year older girl I will be completely honest with you; Nothing is more terrifying than seeing the world the way it is now. Now, I know that not everybody lives the same life style as me. Not everyone believes the same things as I do. And I do not speak for everyone. However, I think we can all agree that the world is not what it once was. The country is divided between political parties very sharply. Poverty seems to be running ramped all over the country. Our country seems to always be dealing with war, rumors of war, and threats of war. And the idea of "family" seems to be something that is not as admired or desired amongst many young adults. The world, from my eyes, seems to be getting more and more wicked each day that passes. What was once deemed unacceptable is now promoted. What once was considered wrong is now considered right. All of this is extremely scary. With all of this fear going on sometimes it is extremely discouraging. This last week as I had been pondering where the world was going I just keep thinking to myself "ok, now what? Where is this world going? And how am I going to survive it?"

Today as I sat in church I was able to hear the testimonies of people in my branch. One sister got up and started talking about the very thing that has been on my mind; the world. She said that lately she has been thinking about Lehi's dream about the tree of life. She said that in the dream the Tree of life represents Christ. The people in the dream were hanging onto the rod of iron and were making their way towards the tree. The thing that I loved the most about this sisters testimony was this: She said that we as people of the world live in a scary and wicked time. However, all we need to do is "keep [our] eye on the tree. Even if we're the last people who like that tree and want [what that tree has to offer] we got to keep looking at the tree and [make our way towards it]" 

Keep our eye on the tree? As i pondered this I thought about the this story of Lehi's dream in the Book of Mormon found in 1 Nephi chapter 8. This tree's purpose was to provide fruit that was "desirable to make one happy" (8:10). And leading to this tree was the strait and narrow path that had the iron rod along it (8:19-20). As the story goes we know that "numberless concourses of people" (8:21) were pressing forward to get to the tree and obtain the fruit that would bring happiness. However, there were some complications. First, there was the mist of darkness that clouded about the people(8: 23). Those who let go of the rod and strayed from the path were lost because of the darkness that confused the people and blocked their view. Another complication was the great and spacious building (8:26). This building was far away from the path and rod but it sure looked desirable. And within this building were people who would mock and taunt those persuing the tree.
As I pondered these complications I thought of the people persuing the tree. There were those who were on the rod that let go because they thought they knew better. Those people probably were lost in the mist of darkness trying to find a "better way" to the tree. There were probably people who let go of the rod to get to the building because it looked exciting and pretty. And there were probably people who hung their head in shame and let go of the rod because people scoffed and scorned them from the building. But what about those that hung on to the rod? How did they feel clinging to that rod? With darkness clouded around them I am curious as to whether or not they were afraid. These people couldn't see their way as well with that darkness surrounding them. Did this bring fear and uncertainty into their hearts?  As mocking jeers floated in from the distance did these good people find themselves wondering "am I really doing what I am supposed to? Or am I wasting my time?"  Regardless of these possible inward fears these people kept their eye on the tree. Those who did this were able to take courage and continue forward till the received the blessings of happiness the tree had to offer. 

With darkness closing in around us as we press forward to obtain the blessings our Heavenly Father has promised I think it is really easy to get caught up in all the trials, sadness, and wickedness of the world. It is easy to get distressed and saddened by the way the world is going. In fact, it is easy to become fearful of the situation of the world. However, what good does this fear do? Our Heavenly Father has promised us that if we keep the commandments, press forward, and endure to the end we will be blessed. And He always keeps His promises. We have a promise from the Lord; that should be comfort enough. Although

darkness seems to be all around us we must not take our eye off the tree; we must never take our eye off of what we are working towards. Even if the world seems against us, even if were are the only ones who like the thought or sight of "the tree" we have to press forward. If we are willing to rely on our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and His atonement,  and the gospel we will have all we need in these darkest of times. No matter how thick the darkness seems we will be able to press onward and reach our destination of pure happiness in salvation.