It has been way too long since I have posted a blog! I am actually pretty sad about this.
Looking back on some of the past posts I have done for this blog I have realized how much I have missed writing about the gospel, the Savior and our Heavenly Father. However, it's easy to feel that I don't have anything important worth sharing to those around me. So, here is a disclaimer: What I write may not help you, it may not interest you, and it may be something you don't even look at twice. That is totally fine by me. However, I am realizing that by sharing my testimony in words I feel just a little bit closer to my Heavenly Father... And that is why I am ok with the fact that my writings may not benefit anybody but myself.
That being said- I still hope that someone can find some sort of comfort from reading this!
So, in complete and honest truth, the last couple months have been, hands down, the hardest months I have ever had in my life. As I started off the fall semester at BYU I felt as if I was going to be a conquer in my life. I had picked a major, was supported by my amazing boyfriend, was surrounded by a wonderful group of friends and was just enjoying life.
However, as the semester progressed I began to see that I was really struggling emotionally and mentally. I didn't really understand what was happening to me. I just felt like everything was going wrong and that I was loosing it. At first I ignored the fact that there may be a purpose for my trials. Instead, I blamed little random things for my sufferings. I "obviously" wasn't praying hard enough. I wasn't reading my scriptures thoroughly enough. I just needed to be more Christlike and then everything would get better.
But guess what? That didn't happen.
I found myself attempting to pray away my negative feelings and emotions. However, I saw that, for some reason or another, I continued to feel down hearted, anxious and incapable of handling basic every day life activities. As the days continued forward I started to feel extremely low. As I dealt with all these feelings I witnessed how my friends, my family, my boyfriend and my church leaders were all trying to help me out. While this should've made me feel loved and supported most of the time it just brought guilt and feelings of weakness. The most common thought that I had to myself was this: I should be stronger than this.
I kept telling myself that I should be strong enough to handle this. My entire life I have always felt like "the strong one". The girl in church who was always solid. The independent girl who handled hard things all through high school. In my head I have always seen myself as a woman who could "handle it" on her own. So to have a trial that I felt was crushing and that felt nearly unbearable brought a complex wave of emotions and thoughts.
Being arrogant enough to believe that I should be strong enough to "deal" with these trials on my own I started to have thoughts and feelings come to me. I thought to myself that I shouldn't be needing to pray so much for strength because I should be strong enough to handle it on my own.
These thoughts traveled to a point where I started to think that, perhaps, God and the Savior had forgotten about me. That they had so many other things to do that they were possibly too busy to attend to my needs and cares. However, this is something that I strived to reject from my thought process.... I wanted to trust that there was indeed a God that was listening to me and that loved me regardless of my weaknesses. And yet, I wasn't sure why God would be giving me these afflictions. Why was He not helping me be stronger? Why couldn't He just take away what I was dealing with?
This was something that was really weighing me down and so one day I decided to do some scripture study in the morning. As I read I started looking at some cross references and started to search amongst the chapters of the New Testament. My search led me to 2 Corinthians chapter 12. As I read this chapter I suddenly was stopped at verses 9-10.
"12:9- And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
"12:10- Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."
Let me just say this: Truly, the scriptures are the word of God. I truly believe these verses were ones I was led to. I needed them more than ever at this time and am so grateful for the word of God.
Anyways, as I read these verses I felt slightly confused. I read and re-read the lines regarding the strength that comes in weakness. That blew my mind because it went against everything I seemed to believe. But then it hit me... The Savior of the world, Jesus Christ, has suffered everything that we have endured. He knows all the pains that come with every sickness, trial, sin and every affliction. He has understands our exact circumstances because He suffered, bled and died for each of us...He truly has walked our path of life with us.
The reason that we are here on this earth is to learn, grow and experience all the joys and sorrows this life has to bring. Why are sorrows part of our Heavenly Fathers great plan of happiness for us??Because, they help us draw nearer to the Lord and then become more like Him. Jesus Christ knows our pains perfectly. He has the ability to lift us up, comfort us and strengthen us in our time of need. When we feel weak, incapable, inadequate or like we are drowning under our wave of trials there is hope in the fact that in our weakness, if we reach out or call out to Christ, He will reach back and make us strong enough to face any of the storms we have in this life.
Heavenly Father has not left us without the strength we need in this life. We do not have to travel this life alone...in fact, we can't travel alone. Our strength alone is not sufficient. But our loving Father provided the Savior of the world as a sacrifice for all men, women and children so that they would never have to be alone. So in their moments of weakness they could be supported and strengthened through the one who understands your situations and feelings with 100% accuracy.
It isn't easy. I am still learning. Sometimes I don't know how to rely on the Savior and allow Him to be my strength through my weakness. But the cool thing is that He is patient. He is not going to give up on me. And He never will. Even when I make mistake after mistake and do things according to my will, and not His, He will still love me and be there to support me through my journey.
I know that He does that for each and everyone of us.
I know that if you call out, cry out or reach out that He will do the same towards you. He will strengthen us in our weaknesses if we allow Him to do so.
He has not set us up to fail.
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